Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
being pregnant is like rehab
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
