i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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