I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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