A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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