So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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