Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize