Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
