I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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