I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
