Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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