Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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