PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
