When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
