i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
