Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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