It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
