It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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