he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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