I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
