margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
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my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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