I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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