I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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