Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
