I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
