Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
