Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
