I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
