glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
