sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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