Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
