If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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