we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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