tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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