Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
