Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
