So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My cat gives me a boner
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
