My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
