you're like a bully in the Christmas story
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
