You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
