God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
