Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
