Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
