I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i wish my penis had a tongue
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
