He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
