Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
