ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
