and my herpes radar will keep us safe
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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