$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
