he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
