i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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