I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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