I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
