My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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