I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
