He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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