dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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