dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
