all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
