And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
