so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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