Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
