He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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