I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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